Five Months

December 3, 2009

Dear Sierra,

I miss you so much, baby girl.  The darkness and coldness of winter - and the holidays - have only increased my longing for you.  I remember so clearly your brother's first Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I think of how you should be the same age he was at this time in 2006.  On Thanksgiving we lit a candle for you (and Uncle Todd and some others missing from the table) and it burned between Daddy and me for the whole meal.  But I kept imagining you sitting in my lap or in the infant carseat like Austin did his first Thanksgiving.  My mind adds you in everywhere - kicking happily on a blanket on the floor while I'm playing with your brother, in the backseat in your carseat when I'm driving, riding snuggly in your sling while I'm shopping.

Thanksgiving was sort of hard, but good too.  Austin was sick, and one of our friends had very definite ideas of how the cooking and everything should go and made me anxious.  And, of course, you were missing and I was sad.  But we did have a good, low key celebration with just a few friends in a very beautiful spot in Vermont.

I usually love the build up to Christmas.  This year I feel like I just don't have the energy or the heart for it.  But I'll do it for Austin.  I'm grateful for his enthusiasm.  He's so excited for it this year, making his list for Santa and planning what gifts he will give to Daddy, Grandma, his Aunties, and so on.  I will do it for him, and I'll think of you and how you would have loved the lights on the tree, the excitement of your brother, the motion of snowflakes in the wind, the sparkle of your first ornament.  I wish you were here, little one.

All my love,
Mama

***

I'm still thinking of ways to include Sierra at Christmas.  I want to get her a "baby's first Christmas" ornament with her name on it, and I'm trying to decide what to do with my Christmas cards.  I might put in a card with a picture of her footprints and her name and date - basically a birth/death announcement, which I never did formally.  Or I might just write an "In memory of..." line under our names when I sign the cards.  I'm going to include a picture of Austin, which is what made me think of including her footprints, but is that too sad for Christmas cards?  Any advice or suggestions?  How are you including your baby(ies) this holiday season?